Thursday, July 19, 2007

Watching the World Go By

It's another one of those days. It started out pretty good. My mood was fine. I looked forward to seeing a friend for lunch who was visiting from Texas. We had a nice time - catching up on life. Slowly, I slide down that path of pulling in, quieting down, not being fully present. Plans changed and we picked up the other two women she was meeting and delivered them to their destination for a four day girl's weekend. And I knew, once again, here I am watching the world go by me. Seeing someone I love doing something I would love to be doing with people I really care about. But I can't. I'm only three weeks out of surgery and recovery is slow. Even planning a time away over the past three months, I never would be able to keep up with the flow of events women enjoy on a weekend away. I hate it. I feel jealous, angry, resentful, like giving up ever wanting things, like the fun part of my life is over and gone.

The gift of lunch with my friend fades into the resentment of missing out on life. Can I refocus and pull back into the fun I had seeing her? I have a massage in half an hour. That is something really good for me. Can I pull myself out of this pit and be in a frame of mind to receive the nurturing my body and soul so desperately need right now? Honestly, it's not always an easy thing for me to do. Often I need to sit in my disappointment and resentment and let something outside of me grab my attention away from myself. Maybe I don't want to leave the place of self pity right now. But how come? How do I make up for all that I've lost? How do I deal with the feelings of sitting at home while my husband is off to work that he loves; my friends are in their world doing their jobs and interests and usually don't think to call me even once a week because they are very busy people. I've lead a busy life and now that my life is so slow, there are no people around me that I know and love that also lead slow lives. In a way, I guess my previous life created this loneliness I'm in. Maybe my self pity is my companion because with it I am not so alone. That sounds pretty weird. As I write the self pity is dissipating. My mind is drifting to the incredible companion my husband is. I think about my closest friend who does check in with me to chat many times a week. And I think of my coffee buddy and very, very dear friend who is probably moving half way across the country in a month or so. You know, life is really about what we make it - about what I make it in the moments I have.

I am severely limited right now by my surgery. It will be weeks before I can quilt again. For now I am doing jigsaw puzzles and Sudoku to keep my mind moving. I'm getting involved with the National Lupus Foundation through the California Walk which feels good. And I'm trying to find a balance of house chores I can do without hampering my recovery.

Watching the world go by is necessarily by definition a place of self pity. It's not so bad to feel that self pity. Lupus has landed me and so many others in places that have compromised our ability to live a normal life. How can we not have reactions and feelings to this reality - over and over again. I know that I don't adjust to it and accept it once and then never have to accept it again. I'm finding I struggle with acceptance of my limitations in each new circumstance that surprises me. And if I let myself feel what is going on inside, I can move through it and come back to a place of acceptance and peace within. For that I am grateful.

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