Sunday, January 25, 2009

Another painful day

Sunday, January 25th bedtime

My days are really hard right now. I never wake up without pain - which makes it so much harder to get up and start my day. I know that there are times when I do wake up without pain - and life is so much different on those days. I took my extra pain meds immediately this morning - usually I wait until a few hours into my day - but today, today I didn't want to waste half the day waiting to see if the pain was going to get better. The meds really do help. But they are so strong and serious that I feel like I shouldn't need them - but I do. My pain management Dr. says it's okay. I've never had problems with cutting back or stopping pain meds. I hate admitting that I need them again. I also hate how useless I feel when I lose more than half my day because of pain limiting what I can physically do and meds limiting my ability to safely drive. Did you know that if you are on pain meds on a regular basis, that it is very possible that if you get pulled over by a cop, you could end up with a DUI as a result of blood tests and pain meds? Even more than this very real concern, is that I am affected by my meds. I know my clear thinking is fogged; I am a bit looser and less concerned about things; so I need to make choices that are safe and smart.

So today was another day of pain, although I did get a fair amount accomplished. And I didn't spend hours on the couch worn out or pained out. I did the things I needed to do and even saw a movie with my husband - but there was little joy because of the constant pain and weariness. I see my doctor this week and I will find out what more I can be doing for my myofacial pain and osteoarthritis. I need to be more assertive with him because he's fairly remote emotionally and tends to move through the apt. quickly with no extraneous dialogue. I need to talk with him more so he better understands what life has been like the past week or two.

It's 8:10 and I'm beat - ready for bed. I've been working on a project for one of my kids - so I am exhausted. Lupus takes so much out of me. Is this a flare? I have the rash. So, I think it is. Not that I want that to be true. I really just want to understand what I need to do to feel good most of the time. In consideration of doing my part to relieve pain, I will head upstairs and do some exercises before I give in for the night. I need to feel more joy and contentment. I need to feel like my day and time is worthwhile. I need to feel like my life is not overshadowed by my disease. But right now, Lupus is overshadowing my ability to enjoy my day.

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