Self Sabotage or Coping Mechanisms?

January 13, 2009 Monday afternoon

So, late afternoon exhaustion. Bills looming, waiting to be processed. Girl friend going in for surgery tomorrow - potentially cancer - not good. Tomorrow more tests ... test results ... procedure for migraines ... one very long day with potentially difficult news and relief from my migraines in a week or so. I'm not feeling optimistic. I'm not feeling strong or lucky or blessed. My husband is working late as he'll be with me all day tomorrow. Work isn't going great - self employed isn't so good during a recession. Even my dad who is always optimistic couldn't come up with one thing good in his day. Depression. Sneaking in. Winding it's way into the intermost part of my being. Slowly, methodically taking me down. Not too deep. More than I'd like. I'm just tired of dealing with so much. Tired of tiring after two errands. Tired of being hyperalert to my being so I make the right choices for my health.

I've eaten poorly today. Coping? Self Sabotage? It doesn't leave my body feeling good. So there's a price I pay. I needed to get fresh veggies today. Didn't happen. I needed to pick up my meds - including my antidepressant which I am completely out of. Didn't happen - I still have two hours to go pick it up but I'm not inclined to leave the house.

This is my life. I am the only one who can make choices for me - choices that will make me feel worse or better. The french fries for lunch a very bad idea. Spaghetti for dinner - not great but no so bad either. Snacking on sweets - old fashion ribbon candy that I ordered from the midwest because I wanted to remember what it was like when we had it as kids - always at Christmas.

Last night, dreaming - of eating chocolate cake that is ooohh so good and little cookies that were amazing. Ending up in a disaster - something destroyed a train route. All I could do was watch as decisions were made to allow the train to come through ... somehow I was responsible for a little girl. Situations of feeling and being out of control. A definte reality in my life right now. I can't control what my body will and won't do (I'm dealing with elimination issues - facing the very real prospect that I've lost all control of the muscles that control the process and maybe hearing that my intestines aren't working well either. I can't even imagine what it all means except that I can't have a bowel movement without an enema. All a result of my esophagectomy.)

It's really hot and windy here - Santa Ana winds. Winding me. Making it difficult to feel like I'm getting good breaths. My oxygenation level is fine - it's the sensations in my left lung due to partial or full paralysis of my left diagraphm (from surgery) and the resulting phenomena of my bladder floating up into my chest and pinching an organ with it. Last time it was my colon which required an open stomach surgery - this time it is holding my pancreas hostige - hurting - sharp pain, burning, pressure. Hello morphine and tizandine - relief and fuzzy head or pain - I can only stand the pain for so long.

Am I allowed to complain like this? Is it okay to be honest about what it is like to be me? Is it okay that I cannot simply suck it up and be more positive? The news this morning reported that women who talk about their emotions in marriage are healthier and live longer than women who bottle emotions up. But how far does it go? How much can my husband, my kids, my family, my friends hear? I need to protect them from some of the real truth. Why? I'm not sure. Why??? Because I don't want to be seen as weak? Because it's not fair to expose them to how hard it really is sometimes? Because you just aren't supposed to complain.

I want God to be big enough to take all of this away. He never promised me that. He only promised to walk with me through the tough times. And anyway, if someone were to be chosen to be healed, it would be Janna with her potential cancer or John who has battled prostrate cancer for five years and has survived more chemo treatments than ever seen and is now waiting for the FDA to release a new chemo that might save his life or the young adult I pray for back east who has had to battle cancer since Jr. High and who now at 27ish faces a radical surgery to remove a cancerous growth in his sinus. And after they get the cancer, he will need massive reconstructive surgery to bring his face close to normal. There are a million others who are far worse off than I am who deserve to be healed more than me because of their life circumstances and who they are as people. This isn't poor me or sour grapes. It's truth. And I am grateful that God doesn't decide who lives and who dies. What horror that would be to believe that I had to earn my right to live, to be healed, to be financially recession proof. I'm afraid that I wouldn't measure up as good enough.

So, for tonight, I am depressed, sad, tired. I'll finish the bills and write a few more thank yous. And I'll go to bed by 7:00 so I can be up by 5:00 to leave for our medical day.

Gratitude? I am thankful that I can safely write what I really feel and put it out to the world. Although I don't know who in the world will read it and how they will even find my blog. I'm grateful that my husband really does love me regardless of my emotional mine field. My cardiologist asked me this morning how long I had been this way. I responded, you mean dealing with really low blood pressure? No, he said, how long have you had this attitude about being ill. You're amazing. How do you keep so positive and lighthearted. Is he talking about the same person that is writing this very minute? Yes. He is. Both are parts of me. Both are parts of me that were given to me very young and nurtured in many different ways. The good and the bad. The healthy and the self destructive. The positives and the dread. Both who I am. And changeable in a matter of minutes or hours.

This is all yours God. Just hang in with me while I sludge through the mush today and tomorrow. A little bit of hope and joy would be a gift tomorrow. Be with Janna - may she be cancer free.

Tomorrow -it will all be over before I know it. And Wednesday will be rushing towards me with whatever it might have to offer.

Here's to hoping for a good day.