Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Making Plans Makes Me Happy

Tuesday, January 27th

It's 9:00 in the morning and I'm feeling happy! I woke up in pain. I made myself get up by 8:00, took my meds and my pain meds and then just slowly moved into my straightening up the house motif. I sat down to send a few emails - it's snowing in DC my daughter says - to tell my daughter and son that I'd be able to visit them in March! One thing led to another, series of emails back and forth with the kids; planning to camp in July with cousins; and then I notice that my heart is happy - genuinely happy!!! Is it because I get to see my kids that I miss so much? Sure some of it is. But when I really sit and ask myself why I am so happy right this minute, it's because I am making plans. In the midst of a flare; during dark moments full of dark thoughts when I ponder what my life will be like in five years; not ignoring the ecomony hitting us square in the face - all this is still real and still ocurring and I feel happy. I haven't felt happy since sometime during the holidays.

Happiness is not a guarantee. When I was a little girl of 10, I found this magnet at the bookstore of the church camp where I first really met Jesus. It still has a place on my refrigerator. The magnet says - "Give to the world the best you have and the best will come back to you." I remember well the session when my therapist told me that there is no guarantee that giving your best will guarantee a good life. I was shattered, angry and lost. Whether you call it Karma, turning the other cheek or any host of words, underneathe is the hope, the wish that we can control our daily life. We can't. Sure we control every thought we act on and every movement and decision we make. But when it all gets thrown together to create an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year, a lifetime; we realize that so little of what happens is out of our control. Lupus gives me extra doses of reminders that I'm not in control. One of the funny movie lines that is filtering through the culture lingo is "You're not the boss of me!" Well, many times Lupus is the boss of me. So what do I do? How did I get to a happy day today when the last eight or nine days have really been a struggle? The only difference is that I am making plans to do things I love and I do believe that I will be healthy enough to travel back east. It just makes me feel good.

It's not easy to find the feel good things. For me, they happen, I realize that I'm feeling good then I look at how I got there. It is never by plan and always by gift - what an awkward sentence but I'm trying to communicate the vast difference. I believe that the joy and goodness in life comes when we are going about doing the things we love to do and doing things for those who need our help. The joy is the gift - the grace. My heart is still smiling. I will take it in and enjoy as long as I can today.

No comments: